


Things That Can Be Helped With

by Baamon5evr



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Mentions of PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-21 09:00:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3686235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baamon5evr/pseuds/Baamon5evr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since James moved into Stark… Avengers Tower Natasha had walked in on him doing loads of strange or outlandish things. Still, finding him sitting at the kitchen island with a plate of steak and eggs in front of him pretty damn close to tears was new territory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ever since James moved into Stark… Avengers Tower Natasha had walked in on him doing loads of strange or outlandish things. Once she caught him talking to a plant (though in his defense it wasn’t his fault that he thought it was a robot, she wouldn’t put it past Tony either honestly), at one point he just sat staring at a wall for six hours (she had probably been like that too after she got out, quietly letting her mind get itself in order) and she had found him with a pillow and blanket asleep under the coffee table more than once (but she understood that too it was a smaller space than the huge bed in his room, more familiar). Still, finding him sitting at the kitchen island with a plate of steak and eggs in front of him pretty damn close to tears was new territory. He looked up at her briefly when she entered before looking back down immediately.

“Natalia.”

“James.” She sat next to him, giving him a wide breadth but staying close enough, then opened up her sandwich and soup. They sat in silence for a few moments, her chewing a little on her roast beef and swiss sandwich and him just staring at his plate before she felt compelled to say something.

“It’s not poisoned if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I know that. Steve made it.”

“Is he that bad a cook?”

“No, it’s just… Steve made it and I… I don’t want… but I… Ma said I shouldn’t… Steve made it so I…” He trailed off with an angry sigh but he usually got a lot angrier when his thoughts got so jumbled that he couldn’t form a sentence. A month ago his response would've caused him to break something before storming off so the fact he was still sitting in front of her was progress on his part at least. She waited patiently while he took a deep breath and collected himself.

"When I got away from... HYDRA the second time around and I finally figured out I should probably eat something or I'd starve to death, the first meal I had was steak and eggs I stole from some guy who left his food alone in a diner. It was... horrible. It tasted revolting, like everything I hated in the world was sitting there on one plate. Now I know that that was more psychological than physical but at the time I threw all of it up on purpose after half an hour. I kept thinking I was doing something wrong, I couldn't keep it down because I felt like it wasn't f--..." He stopped himself from saying the next words, something he started doing when he noticed the hurt and guilt on Steve's face whenever he spoke freely of his experiences, but she finished the sentence for him.

"You couldn't keep it down because you felt like it wasn't following orders." He flinched a little but nodded all the same.

"The Depression was bad for us. Even if we didn't like the food or were a little allergic we still ate it. Ma said we shouldn't waste anything, never knew where the next meal was coming from. It's ridiculous, she died before the war even started but I don't want to... disobey her. Not because I still think I should always obey my superiors' orders but because she was my mother and I spent 70 years spitting on her memory and Steve made this so I can't throw it out but I can't eat it. I'm not ready, I'm..." She heard the unspoken words. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm hanging on by a thread. I'm angry because of all of the above.

"Well you've got one up on me already Barnes. When I first escaped the Red Room I found myself at this cafe a few days later with a slice of chocolate pie in front of me. I got it to celebrate my freedom. It looked heavenly on the plate and I took one bite of it and spit it out after not even 3 seconds. It tasted like fire in my mouth. I thought I was free and I was but there was still a lot of work I had to do on myself. Hell I've never tried chocolate pie again to this day. So I'm not judging." He looked up at her from beneath the curtain of his dark hair and smiled a small, hesitant smile which she returned.

"You like roast beef?" He nodded with confusion then watched quizzically as she pulled his plate towards her before pushing her sandwich and soup over to him.

"Hope you like broccoli cheddar soup."

"I've never had it."

"Your lucky day then." She replied, cutting into the steak and stabbing a piece along with some eggs onto her fork before shoving it into her mouth. She watched him out of the corner of her eye bring a spoonful of the soup hesitantly to his lips. He savored the taste for a moment before taking a larger spoonful. Natasha hid her smile behind another mouthful of steak and eggs. She felt his cold metal fingers brush over her hand and looked up at him.

"Thank you." She smiled wider this time and flipped her hand so they were palm to palm before she threaded her fingers through his. They continued eating in comfortable silence.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James barely had the tools or control to say as much to Steve so in turn he lashed out. She was certain they could fill up a museum with possessions of Steve's that were broken, damaged or otherwise destroyed on account of James. Natasha wasn't usually there when it happened but she'd always hear about it later. It was a month before she actually witnessed it herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of Brucenat in this.  
> I don't ship it but I would like some kind of interaction between Natasha and Bruce as at least friends and Bruce and Bucky as well and I think if Buckynat happened, even with Brucenat having happened that everyone can remain mature adults about it.

James only ever cried once over what happened to him.

They had been on the road cutting a swathe through the European sector of HYDRA. He hadn't liked acknowledging his past as Bucky, didn't want to be called the nickname or acknowledged as Steve's friend. Then they had found a facility that was used as a storage and enhancement lab for the Winter Soldier. The things they had found there, the torture devices... Natasha wouldn't wish it on anyone at all. James hadn't said anything in the moment, he didn't break. He was too professional to let emotion get in the way of the mission. From the short video clips in the museum of Bucky Barnes staring at a map with a serious expression on his face, the churning wheels in his head practically visible in his eyes, she didn't think that was something that they installed in him so much as something that was already there.

Later on though, after the warehouse was nothing but a smoking crater, he did break. She could hear him through the bathroom door of one of the few safe houses she owned that she hadn’t leaked the location of sobbing loudly and apologizing to no one and everyone. He wasn't trying to be quiet and that had both concerned her and pleased her because it meant he trusted her to some degree and was at least comfortable being that human around her but she was a spider, he knew this. He shouldn't trust her, she barely trusted herself. But he did trust her enough to let himself let go and she didn't stop it or try to comfort him because he needed to do it. She hoped it would be as cathartic for him as it had been for her when she was the one crying herself hoarse after she first got away from the Red Room.

She had stayed there, sitting on the floor with her back pressed against the door waiting for him. After half an hour of listening to him cry and another 10 minutes of pure silence, she heard the door unlock. She waited a minute but he didn't come out and he was still silent so she cracked the door open and peered inside. He was laying on his back on the tiled floor. He wasn't crying anymore but his face was red and his hair had stuck to his cheek in places from the tears tracking down his face. He was wordlessly staring at the ceiling above and didn't indicate that he could see her face peeking into the room but of course he could. She crawled inside then and laid on the floor next to him. He didn’t move or speak so she wordlessly brushed his hair back from his face before settling into a semi comfortable position on the floor next to him. They didn't say anything but ended up spending a good few hours there just staring at the ceiling lost in their own thoughts but being alone together.

After that James didn't cry about any of it and if anyone else looked like they were getting teary eyed over what happened, James would glare them down with what Clint called The Winter's Glare.

'Complete with all the vodka fueled rage and promises of an icy death that come standard with all things provided by good ol' Mother Russia. Patent pending'.

Pepper and James' sister Becca were the only ones safe from The Glare but of all of them Steve got it the most. Steve didn't cry a whole lot about anything but with James, or Bucky rather, it was different. James could tolerate the sad looks and the constant shadowing from Steve and being referred to as Bucky by pretty much everyone and even worked with the Avengers when Steve wanted but one thing he absolutely hated was Steve in any way trying to absolve him of the Winter Soldier's actions. Natasha understood the need to own every part of yourself. Loki was at least partially right: the horrors you commit do become a part of you and for someone like James who was trying to rebuild his sense of self after having it entirely demolished, being told that a large part of what made you who you were, whether it was good or bad, wasn't you at all wasn't what he needed to hear. Of course James barely had the tools or control to say as much to Steve so in turn he lashed out. She was certain they could fill up a museum with possessions of Steve's that were broken, damaged or otherwise destroyed on account of James. Natasha wasn't usually there when it happened but she'd always hear about it later.

It was a month before she actually witnessed it herself. James was slowly becoming better at communicating, to Natasha in particular, but there were still times where rage overcame him and he couldn't speak.

"It wasn't you. It wasn't your fault or your choice, Buck." Steve had been saying variations of this for the past fifteen minutes and Natasha had been watching James get madder and madder every minute. Suddenly James reached out and pushed Steve's glass of water off the table onto the floor. Steve looked at it wide eyed before looking back at him.

"Okay, it's oka--" James grabbed the plate in Steve's hand before he could finish and threw it onto the floor making the porcelain shatter.

"Bucky, it--" James slapped his hand over Steve's mouth and glared at him before leaving the room. Steve looked at Natasha helplessly. Natasha silently sipped on her drink and returned Steve's gaze before speaking.

"Why do you keep telling him it wasn't him?" She asked monotonously.

"Because it wasn't him, it was the Winter Soldier." Steve answered.

"He is the Winter Soldier. Maybe more so in title than deed nowadays but that's who he is."

"But he's Bucky." Steve said and his voice broke just enough for her face to smooth out from expressionless to something softer, something reserved just for Steve, a variation of how she supposed she used to look at her brothers before they died.

"Yes he is, and he always will be, but he will also be the Winter Soldier." She could tell Steve was struggling with that so she got up and pulled him around the glass and water spreading across the floor to sit on a stool across from her. She sighed before speaking. She wasn't usually okay with revealing too much about her past but she trusted Steve as much as she did Clint and in the end it would help James so she plunged ahead.

"It's not always easy to explain what they do to you. Clint says they unmake you and I suppose that's true. They unmade me from a young age multiple times. I was just a child with barely any sense of self yet so it was hard for me, when I got out, to figure out who to be because I never got the chance to find out before they made me into what they wanted me to be." She paused to see if Steve was really listening and he was watching her intently and still holding her hands. Of course he was.

"It's different for James. He was already old enough to be someone who was aware of who he was and his values and the people he loved and then they ripped it all away from him. They tore him apart to make him their weapon, to be used whenever they saw fit and then locked away when he wasn't useful to them anymore. He spent a large sum of his life doing what they wanted and thinking it was right. There were a few moments of clarity where he remembered something of Bucky Barnes, there were soft moments where the humanity they thought they snuffed out peeked through, there were moments he wasn't a monster." She didn't tell Steve those moments were more often than not with her, he already knew enough to infer.

"But there were mostly bad moments and horrific things were done to and by him. He'll never be rid of the memory or fully over the guilt but the only way to move past it is to accept that he did it and that it happened to him, he needs to accept that he's the Winter Soldier--"

"Which is a big enough feat by itself without you telling me over and over that that's not who I am." James said slinking around the corner and leaning against the wall across from them. Steve opened his mouth to say something but Natasha squeezed his hand, James needed to speak. They both watched James patiently as he gathered himself.

"Everything I did... as the Winter Soldier, is just as much a part of me... as anything I did as Bucky is." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I have the memories. The nightmares haunt me every night but they're real, they're what lets me know that I'm... human. I always was, even back then, and they had to... torture me to try to keep my humanity at bay. Now I'm not theirs anymore but I'll never be rid of the Winter Soldier." James looked down before looking at Natasha.

"And even though Natalia was the only good thing back then..." Natasha smiled a little at him before he switched his eyes to Steve.

"I don't want to be rid of the Soldier. What I want is... to make him my own, make him be... better. I need to do that to at least try to balance my ledger. And every time you tell me that's not who I am it feels like..." James paused and flicked his eyes to Natasha uncertainly. She nodded her head, he needed to say it and Steve needed to hear it.

"It-It feels like you're rejecting me." Natasha looked at Steve from the corner of her eyes. He looked heartbroken. She looked back at James as she heard him choke on his next breath a bit.

"And I wish I could tell you how that feels... but I can't." James rushed from the kitchen back to his bedroom as his eyes began to turn red and wet. Steve stood up a bit to go after him but Natasha stopped him.

"Let him go."

"But Nat I can't leave it like that."

"You won't. You'll let everything I said and everything James said sink in and you'll weigh it in your mind and then you'll talk in a couple days but not now. Right now you're going to call Sam and sleep over at his place. You need to detox." Steve still looked heartbroken and hesitant.

"Hey, seriously, go be with Sam. I'll stay with James." Steve sighed before nodding.

"Do you need to pack?"

"I've already got things at Sam's apartment." Natasha watched him walk from the kitchen, grab his coat from the closet in the hall and then walk to the elevator. She waited a few minutes after he left to go to James' room. He was standing outside bent in front of the balcony, his arms resting on the rail and his head resting on his arms, the setting sun making his hulking form a mere silhouette. He began speaking without turning to her.

"Thanks for talking to him and sending him away. I can't... I don't..." James sighed but it was a sigh of tired weariness not of frustration. She went over to him and stood next to him on the balcony. She inched her hand over to him. He tensed at first but almost instantly relaxed. She moved her hand up his arm and down his back before she started rubbing circles into his back. His eyes fluttered shut and she felt him relaxing more and more as she continued rubbing his back until he was as close to pliant as she thought he'd get in his current state of mind.

"Will you come somewhere with me?" She asked.

"I don't want to be away from the tower now." He said in Russian. She wasn't entirely sure if he knew he'd switched or not. He didn't usually like speaking the language but she enjoyed it so she didn't point it out.

"We aren't leaving, just going to a part of the tower you haven't been yet." He opened his eyes and looked at her curiously before nodding his agreement. She moved her arm from his back and didn't miss the slight disappointment in his eyes at the loss of contact. She took a few steps away and held her hand out to him. He straightened up and placed his right hand in hers and let her lead him. She took the elevator down to the floor below the basement where Bruce usually was at this time of evening.

The elevator opened and they could clearly see Bruce sitting Indian style on a mat in the middle of an empty, carpeted room. He slowly opened his eyes when the elevator dinged and his eyes brightened a bit when he saw Natasha. She smiled back at him and waved. It could have easily have been weird and strained between them after Wanda used her mind control on them and made them her puppets. She and Bruce had an understanding between them even before that and the connection itself wasn't something that had been forced upon them. Even though they weren't together she'd always have a soft spot for him for helping her to open her heart again just like with Clint and Steve, though in a different way. James seemed reluctant to exit the elevator but he let her lead him out to Bruce.

"You don't mind if we join you, do you?" Bruce shook his head and smiled kindly at James.

"Not at all." She was glad there was no tension between them either, she'd rather her home not become a pissing contest between the men in her life. She grabbed two more mats and placed them strategically so she was sitting next to Bruce and James was sitting in front of her. She sat identically to Bruce and enticed James to sit in the same position as them. He did so but he seemed dubious about it.

"What are we doing?" He asked.

"Meditation is a good way to relax and get in control of your emotions, definitely your anger. Bruce can attest to that."

"I've managed to avoid some incidents with meditation." Bruce agreed.

"I... I don't know how..."

"We'll teach you." Natasha said grabbing his hand while Bruce nodded in agreement. James looked down at their intertwined hands before nodding and after just thirty minutes of meditation she was sure that he was the calmest he'd ever been since perhaps the 1940s.

After they finished she watched Bruce and James talk about some teas and breathing techniques Bruce found were calming and soothing and helped a lot with night terrors. She couldn't force James and Steve's relationship to be what it once was but she could help him feel more in control of his emotions and his anger so that's what she did.

A few days when she went upstairs she walked in on Steve and James talking and James was actually managing to communicate without any stutters or pauses in his speech and Steve was listening without any of the denials and platitudes he usually so vehemently tried to force on James. She didn't bother hiding the soft smile from her lips as she went back to the elevator. She had a feeling that the two of them would be just fine.


End file.
